Emotional weekend
2003-04-07

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I like it best when singing lessons turn into torture sessions with yelling and tapping of the rythm-stick like in old ballerina-school movies.

I like it best when Heather gives me hell, makes me do that one bar over and over and over again because I was flat, when she chastises me for the warble in my slowly emerging vibrato, or the lazy way I turn notes that should be crisp and clear into fallen portamendos.

I know what a portamendo is now, I can pull one off intentionally every fifth try.

When I do pull it off, I stop and listen to the echo of what I just did, still unable to believe that THAT came out of ME.

Last Saturday's lesson was all stern rebukes, I haven't been working my coloratura enough, and then at then end she pointed out --

two months ago I couldn't have even conceived of trying what I'm now working on getting right.

I like it best when she tells me that I am terrible, because then I know how much I have improved that she doesn't need to baby me.

I hate being humoured, which is funny, given how many people do it.

Like the men last night, or yesterday morning, when I stumbled into work on a disjointed Sunday right in time despite having forgotten to move the clocks forward.

Insomnia at its best.

We spent the day downtown, a huge brunch with bangers and bra shopping (one of the most depressing sports in the universe given how truly oddly shaped my breasts are), and then shopping for my first pair of real running shoes (not sneakers/converse) -- which took ten pairs to find a pair I could stand up in without hurting my horrendously flat feet, and that they had my size of.

That took nearly an hour in a crowded store surrounded by people that I couldn't find any possible connection with.

But the time I was out in the sun I couldn't really feel it anymore.

And it turned yesterday evening far more difficult than it had to be, curled up on the couch with Dave and affectionate friends and superheroes.

It turned another friend's phone call that she's back in the hospital and not allowed visitors this time so terribly hard to bear, remembering how terrified she is of hospitals, remembering how even rubber-gloves-on-my-head antics only worked halfheartedly.

And this time she was entirely alone, her last quarter a quick phone call to us.

To our home, which seems to have come to symbolize warmth and safety to more than just me.

Which is heartwarming beyond belief, despite how difficult this weekend was, my usual personal anger at spending so much time on the couch, Formula 51 and Robin William's stand-up and Star Trek and X-Men and by the end of it I had TV-guilt all over again.

But I baked brownies and peanut-butter cookies, hemmed my pants (but not the curtains) and started the seeds for cherry tomatoes, roma tomatoes, regular tomatoes, pickling cucumbers, regular cucumbers, yellow pepper, and red peppers, and organized the rest of them for which seeds need to start next in how many weeks --

green peppers, garlic chives, lettuce, bok choi, carrots, broccolli, cauliflower, chinese chives, herbs, spinach, lavender, wildflowers and hydrangea.

And I'm sure I'm forgetting so many, but the thought of so much life wrapped in plastic on our crowded-with-creativity dining room table is heartening some.

Last night when I felt the need to cry during a scene in a superhero movie I realized that my emotions were in my throat again, the fuckup at work when I set all the sirens off (my first time in charge and it all went wrong), the crowded stores, the realization of just how far I still have to go in physical fitness, and it all turned, the way it always does

into disappointment in myself.

I fell asleep in Dave's arms, crying and apologizing for being so much trouble, crazy girl who wants too much with too many hearts on too many sleeves and only half of them working,

and I woke up realizing just how much he does for me, his patience and the despairingly kind lilt to his voice when I need it far too desperately.

Especially when I dragg him out of bed in the frozen morning to help me push out my car. ;)

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