Fatigue carried me past the groceries that Dave put away, and straight on top of the new bed.
Fatigue dragged at my feet, clinging to my ankles, crying feebly.
I love that kind of fatigue. Not while I am trapped in it and struggling to drive, walk, breathe, but the moment I let fall against the sheets...
I can close my eyes at any hour, knowing I've done enough with that day.
Finding a happy medium between feeling useful and not killing myself is an ongoing project. Discussions with Dave are... helping me define what I really want, or really, helping me explain to myself that I don't REALLY want to be an Ayn Rand character, but a happier subset thereof.
I don't even like Ayn Rand.
In the meantime, there's no time to speak or write, but all I wanted to say was:
I love the new bed. I love that the mattress is all one piece again, I love that the crease down the middle is gone and only reappears when the entire weight of both our bodies is gathered there.
I don't think it's that I hated Dave's "marital bed" so much, I think I would be able to admit that, I think it is more that there is no crevasse down the centre of the bed separating us anymore.
We sleep together now (not that we didn't before, but the feeling is different suddenly devoid of obstacle), and even though there had never been a wall there before, I am less afraid to reach out in the middle of the night and just reach for him. Curl up against his back, kiss his shoulder, trying to be so gentle as not to wake him, only wanting to reassure myself that he is still there, tastes the same was he does, that he hasn't been possessed by the spirit of a normal human, that he is still the maniac that I will run to the ends of the earth chasing.
I just needed a pause-for-mushy right now. This morning has been all about everyone trying to blame their mistakes on anyone else, and I'm just shy of raising my hand and offering to take the blame for all of it just so that we can get OVER that part and actually start resolving some of the issues.
In the meantime, everyone is still too stressed at each other to do anything but avoid the issues, avoid responsibility, and you know, do all the things that cause the problems in the first place.
Fucking politics stress me out.
Fortunately, I seem to be building the right sort of tools to deal with them, and either overcome them or suffocate in my own naivete.
You know, the way I deal with most things.
I have to run. So what else is new?