My boss' boss stepped out of his usual stream of high-strung politics to be human at me today, reminding me of why I held so much hope when I first came to this place.
"You have a face that invites people to spill their guts" he said, kindly, and with frank honesty -- precisely the tone of voice which soothes every indignant idealistic nerve. (he knows that by now)
"People put you in tough positions that way, but it sounds like you have your head on straight." he said. Complements and open sympathy, as well as guidance and direction. I beamed at him with every monstre-ian watt.
I left the office, my presentation slides prepared, my emails written, my papers in a pile -- and on time for my lesson, buoyed by this short but not so simple conversation.
This week there's been a change of breathing room in the atmosphere, brighter smiles on the faces of some of the brightest hearts in my life, and a surprising upsurge in shows of appreciation at work. I realized this afternoon just how much the fear of losing me (I was considering a difficult to pass up move which drove my stress levels higher than the (*&@#(*^$ wedding did!) was a stress factor for my team. My decision done and communicated -- a lot of attitudes have brightened and I've begun enjoying my impossible goals again.
WHich isn't to say that next time a certain lady hits the height of her crankypankies I won't want to tear her a few new orifices, I DO think that I'm becoming better equipped to deal with them objectively. Objectivity, despite my years of practice and awareness of the concept (a rare thing, I know) remains a challenge at times.
There's something else on my heart besides all these rises and surges in my general sense of self-appreciation, though -- and I'm having difficulty finding a shape and colour for it. Lack of sleep (why am I still at the computer, again, tonight?), has been put forth as a possible cause, the colossal amounts of post-wedding paperwork (new bank account, new name, new name at work, new everything from business cards to email addresses to telephones -- all this newness certainly puts my self-identity in question whether consciously or not), post wedding let-down (the absolute faerie-like way it all happened is certainly a tough act to follow) but, oh, something.
Perhaps in all this paperwork and busywork and financial calculations and house renovations and staying on top of a thousand meticulous tasks -- I simply lost sight of my faith again and needed today's series of minuscule miracles, along with Monday's dinner and flowers, and Sunday's sweet wakeup and four-hour bout of afternoon unconsciousness...
Maybe it was the sudden brightness of every garden in the neighbourhood, the sunburn-inducing weekend, the, the...
The inumerable things. The prospect of going to see my friends in the trapeze show again. The significant progress in singing class despite speaking myself hoarse last week and being too stressed to relax my throat. The...
I am starting to be able to pinpoint my fortunes again, and perhaps, perhaps...
I will sleep tonight.
The universe is far from a perfect one, but today I seem to have found a small nugget of my faith again and I find myself --
less afraid.