trying again, and the start of an era of TMI
2004-12-23

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This, children, is what we call setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Yesterday was ALL ABOUT the hormones, so much so that I could neither think straight (something that we may have noticed I'm rather hooked on), nor fill my heart with unrestrained good feeling towards others.

In fact, I was so whacked out in the noggin that I actually caught myself thinking ill of a fellow coworker who has never done anything but prove himself to be an intelligent, thoughtful, and motivated person. Not only that, but Victor spends most of his time praising my energy and ideas -- and yesterday I convinced myself on no evidence at all that he knew that I'm secretly incompetent.

Yup, thems some raging hormones.

PMS-like, even.

Except, PMS isn't due until the 28th or so. (Yes, my PMS is uncannily werewolf like, both in regularity as well as intensity).

That couple with uber-sensitive nipplage resulting in my deciding last night that I must be pregnant, and that last week's well-time thermometer/mucus/mood tracking paid off on the first try.

Yup. I made the mistake I'm far too intelligent and experienced to make. I set myself up for a walloping disappointment if I get my period on the 31st as scheduled, and there's nothing I can do but sit here and read pregnancy sites and try to second and third guess nature and logic and old man time hisself.

I know full well that there's no honest way of knowing I'm pregnant until after my period's due. I've taken the "ultra-early" tests before, and I know that I'm part of the percentage of women whose HCG levels are too low to register early. I've been through this enough times now to know. The tests are purchased but won't be opened until Jan. 1st at the earliest -- and even then the likelihood of a positive result is low for that first week as well. I know my body just that well at this point. (Which is why I bought two tests right off the bat.)

Clearly, knowing isn't always enough to make better decisions. Most of the time, yes, I managed to use previous painful experiences to my advantage, but not this time.

So I guess the decisions as to whether to chronicle the first trimester or keep it quiet is out the window now -- I've apparently begun chronicling the preconception stage too. Unwise as it is, this ranks right up with the sudden decision that I think I know I'm pregnant. It's dumb, it's asking for hurt, but I can't help it. Welcome to the downside of raging optimism.

(This morning seems to have begun the saga of online unfiltering again, the way it was those years ago when cf read my posts from across a dotcom floor.)

So there you have it folks. We waited our two requisite periods to let my uterus heal, and jumped right back on the wagon the moment that second period was finished, despite quite a bit of apprehension as to whether it might be better to wait even longer.

Yes, my back is still injured, but healing quickly -- but our spirits are both considerably strengthened and despite the hormone storm and raging tears, I think we're ready for this adventure.

Again.

Despite my terror of another shot at a first trimester, I'm rather looking forward to it.


An in other news, I'm getting a lot better at dealing with colleagues eyeing my belly suspiciously, and asking (despite the considerable shrinkage) "how's the baby doing?".

Yesterday when Miyo asked, I told her the truth succinctly and gently, discussed the still-unknown-but-suspected reasons why, and hugged and comforted her when her tears began. This is the third one now (of several previous dozen) where I didn't feel my own tears welling in the process.

The process of trying has definitely contributed to that, but I wonder if another part of it is also that I'm really healing. Again. And more.

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3 comments on this spew so far

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Last few Rants:

I guess this is goodbye. - 11:57 a.m. , 2005-02-10
Endorphins, stress, and magickal mystery - 5:07 p.m. , 2005-02-02
stress, incoming - 4:42 p.m. , 2005-01-28
heaving great happy sighs - 3:05 p.m. , 2005-01-24
Imposter syndrome strikes again - 1:20 p.m. , 2005-01-19