I'd never thought of it as turning tail and running.
I kept thinking of it as the other way around, kept thinking that my wanting to stay here was immature, irresponsible.
Kept thinking that because I have a love interest here, then I'm biased, and consequently, because I like so much to push against myself, everytime the question comes up
"is it wiser for me to stop wasting valuable experience-accruing time and seriously consider the job because it DOES have the word SSL in it and SSL is a very important word even though you don't want to go back"
Everytime the question comes up my gut says "don't do it, you haven't beaten this place yet" and my brain says "you're wasting time, the responsible thing to do is what you DON'T want."
Writing it down I see where my logic might just be on the flawed side of crystal. Suddenly I'm afraid of that interview because I'm forcing myself into a confrontation. I feel like a little girl leading big boys on.
But I haven't beaten Toronto yet. And I've never run away before.
I've also never shown up in a strange town without a job or something waiting for me, and granted, a place to stay in a big city is a big thing, but...
But then, as Steven said, maybe it really is just adding magnitude to the challenge, maybe it isn't sheer stubborn stupidity.
I'm wandering in circles in my head. I mention this on occasion to people if ever I fall into deeper discussion with them, but I haven't been doing that much either, the one person here that I can really do that with, is the one person that is too intimately involved to discuss it.
And I admire his strength in not saying a word, I admire his not wanting to influence me
but when I get so tired of this constant wet weight, the new town, the new social group, the new relationship (which terrifies me much the way my other two relationships did), the waking up every day in a strange bed with nowhere to go, the still occasional nic-fitting, the voices of a thousand acquaintances on the telephone asking "so have you found a job yet have you found a job yet have you found a job yet"
that's when I'm a pathetic little girl the most. That's when every growl and muscle has faded beyond sight and I wonder if I've made a mistake.
And I know it's wrong to wonder that. I know it's preposterous. I rationally know how TRULY STUPID it is to think half the monsters (not monstres) that I've let into my head.
But when I'm scared and tired and during the moments when the pressure really is too high
is when I'm weak, when my impossible confidence is suddenly missing. When I begin to doubt things that should never, ever be doubted.
But I am weak, and writing it out loud is how I remind myself not to fall into my own mires.
Yeah, I haven an interview in the wrong city on Friday. If I'm stupendously lucky they'll agree to long distance telecommuting contract work.
Otherwise, at least I'll get to practice my interview techniques, talk to a man I respect about technologies that I love talking about.
I know that isn't fair, but that nagging "is this responsible" voice in my head is refusing to let me cancel the interview either.