pasted from the livejournal, since it is diarylike material and my brain is too tired to decide where to put it.
Some days all it takes is the first handful of hours for everything to be different.
I didn't want to talk about work, I wanted to talk about last night and Hannibal Lecter and how Jacob's idea for lemon, fennel, and garlic on broccoli turned out more delicious than I thought possible.
Instead I'm sitting here still slightly shivering at the round of lay-offs this morning, at the faces that handed me white tulips with their knuckles even whiter around the stems, and how an hour after losing my closest colleague I was facing a promotion and a new title.
(We're not even going to talk about the guilt.)
More liability, really.
And then it was all a blur of trying to get as much done as possible at the same time as taking my entire team for a walk, one by one, handing them a cigarette, or coffee, or vice of choice, and telling them "it's okay. It's all okay. You don't need to start hunting for work but if you feel you need to, I won't say a word. Our budget has been secured until _______ and your contract has remained intact, and I know this is hard and stressful and it isn't fair and if you need to vent, and if you're ever afraid, let me know."
Stoic Gila, one of them said. "How come this isn't bothering you -- at your salary, you came the closest to being the one to go."
I shrugged, knowing that I'd already had my moment to vent, to Dave, to you folks, to the chill wind of this morning.