There's a fissure in the wall of my serenity, it has been there since the dawning of my smile.
It is a hairlined fissure, leering from just above eye-level, so that I have to strain and miss my step if I glance up to track it's progress.
But here's the instinctual rub that I've admonished a thousand cryers for.
Everytime I drop my eyes, or raise them to take in the gloriously free acres above me --
-- I catch the movement. Damned little crack in the wall, so patient in it's stake-out, so quietly waiting for me to get Caught Up In The Moment Again.
And then yesterday, as I'm churning out page after page, as the student and I bond, as Peter and I Come To An Agreement, as I begin to work out what to do about the dent in my car, as I pay off the last of my taxes and my credit card bill, as I begin to allow myself to believe that This Was The Right Decision and that it was okay to see how far I can push even though I'm wondering if I'd be happier working with Steven...
... just as I've bent down to mix the mortar to stop up that stream of doubt...
... they fire Daniel. No warning, his probation wasn't up so no need for a reason, either. Fabrice just didn't like how well he fit in.
We head out for a smoke and cry and hug and it disappears from my mind in thoughts of porn and pretty boys and Windows2000 and the new bar on Monday nights, and how I've got a high-paying job IN EVERQUEST.
The queasiness of the wind whistling through the crack in my wall hadn't dissuaded me yet.
Silly monstre.
Today, Patrice quit. Brilliant, the only one who can write to a smartcard without fail, the head of our team...
Is moving on to colossally green pastures, as head architect for some firm.
Peter panics, and my teeth hurt from their grinding dance as I tried to reassure him that Fabrice wouldn't be taking over our team.
We haven't heard from Philippe yet, but if our teams merge, it will be another SecureOps disaster.
I've been talking to Patrick to see if they need any more mathies, maybe I'll talk to the other Marc-Andre upstairs who plays with all the crypto.
Peter's got his eye (and an offer) on Tia's team.
Neither of us, however, can escape the draft of shrill doubt and inadequacy.
It's all up in the air again, but I've been meaning to learn how to not take gravity so seriously. ;)
Pardon my dryness, mes cheres, but my brain is full of yuppie garble, finances, worry, and doubt, and All Things Mundane.
I am not worthy of the world this week, and mayhap not the next few -- but I'll be back, and chewing up the horizon again.