"PETER, MY BRAIN HURTS"
I've been repeating this forwards and backwards whilst slowly spinning in my uber-ergonomic space-chair, coming dangerously close to driving Peter utterly mad.
Utterly, utterly mad. Mouahahahaha.
Guess who's already two hours late for her demo, yet somehow managed to pick up on the subtleties between the different PKCS standards that I think define where it is that I want to go with this project.
Y'see, we're beyond the realms of ssh now, and we've moved on to apparently working with OpenSSl's cryptographic implementations for linux.
Apparently I'm supposed tah figure out how to get PKCS11 to work with OpenSSL, so that GemSafe's functionality can be implemented better, faster, cooler on *ix machines.
Gibberish, I know. But it's good gibberish. It's the sort of gibberish that results in eliptical curve encryption diagrams on my whiteboard, and algebraic equations involving at minimum four letter from the greek alphabet at a time.
Funny how the only time I can feel truly clever is when I've got those to muddle through, and Gaetan's eyebrows shooting up everytime he mentions "genus one" or "genus zero can be parametrized" and I pull definitions of parametrization out of my memory of Calculus umpteen class.
And so apparently, our new friend Gaetan who happened to be wandering by as I was crying on Jack's shoulder about WHY WON'T MY DSA STUCTURE ACCEPT AN UNSIGNED CHARACTER STRING and decided to try to lend us his colossal knowlegde of anything RSA and cryptography related, suddenly our new friend Gaetan is wondering at th mathematical abilities of the strange little girl on Philippe's mystery "Advanced Projects" team.
Essentially, I'm fighting off the throes of a hormonal breakdown today, too little sleep the past few days, too many instances of my mother calling me a whore for going to a male gynecologist, too many moments where I've realized that I'm a poor programmer, or that I'll never be in love with my current boy toy.
Nancy put it best "can you picture ever wanting a future with this man"
"Hell no"
Then why am I still with him? Because he can make me come like no one younger, more beautiful, more intelligent, or more passionate ever has. He has children and obligations and emotionally he seems to be my infant sibling, but when the lights dim and my exhaustion bubbles up to the surface in the form of dust-streaked tears, he makes it good. He rubs pain away, he grimaces with an intensity that makes me feel truly appreciated for the simple fact that I am a woman.
An no, he doesn't have enough ego, he has no sexual preferences, no fetishes, when faced with a decision he *always* asks "what do you want?" and if you answer "I want to know what you prefer" he'll simply reiterate until you've given up and taken him your way.
And I know that I will be yearning for more soon, I will be yearning for intellectual challenge, I will be yearning for the sort of thoughtfullness that shows up at my doorstep with a book that will enrich my life, I will be yearning for the sort of discussion that will drain my brain through my ear canals, the way the past two hours have with Gaetan.
But right now, he is at home, waiting, watching TV, if I call him I know that within moments I will be naked and warm and wet, and if we do speak awhile before dropping away to sleep, I will learn things about myself, I will learn thigns about the beauty in simplicity, I will learn things about serenity and how not to try so hard, how not to want so badly, how to be satisfied with little things sometimes.
I will learn things that will teach me to move more smoothly from day to day, but I will learn nothing that will help me learn to fly.
But today, I learned of elliptical curve cryptography, and I'm not sure I need a partner for that sort of pursuit.
~