I talked to my mom last night for the first time and told her about the time I was pregnant and lost the pregnancy cuz of the antibiotics I was on when I was 17.
I told her how much I'd wanted to keep it and why I'm still terrified of gynecologists and what they rend inside of me.
She tried to tell me why it would've ruined my life but for the first time ever stopped at the tears welling in my eyes and just let the silence drop them away.
She didn't try to push me this time.
She says that I've got a car now so it makes me all growed up and I'm too tired to be angry about the nonsense of it but if that's what she needed to judge me a little less harshly then hurrah for planet-killing crates of metal.
In the meantime I'm dressed to kill in the Atari-freak tank top I bought in New York without trying it on, it fits now, it didn't two weeks ago and this should bother me but not right now
right now I'm in the throes of PMS and that bothers me.
It bothers me that I responded badly to an e-mail to a good friend, it bothers me that I underestimated him and acted defensive without realizing it until it was pointed out to me.
That hurt. I did unto others what I ask them not to do to me.
It bothers me that I've got metal spikes jutting out of my neck but the boys aren't here yet cuz they're always late but what really bothers me is that it bothers me that they're late. I thought I'd gotten over that.
WE had a meeting at work today and I'm officially the unix expert and one of Fabrice's coders came and asked me if he could be a unix boy too and I love the idea of not being THE ONLY PERSON IN A 5000 employee company to be in charge of something not very small at all, that and I kinda look forward to confronting Fabrice about it, but I dunno if I'm ready to be in charge of someone else, but there're bigger things to worry about in the next few days but HEY - I've progressed to the point that now my code doesn't work on THREE DIFFERENT platforms, and not just one.
That's a lot of unworking code, dontcha know.
And the news about the beautiful man being in a polygamous relationship doesn't excite me as much as it should, considering it implies the maximum amount of fun with the minimum amount of effort, but right now my brain really hurts and I'm not feeling strong enough to be standing at all.
I hate PMS and I hate being weak, and tired, and not as smart as I wish I could be, and I hate connecting with people on levels so deep it hurts when I say something wrong, and I hate that it happens in strange circumstances, sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, I wouldn't mind it being a littler easier.
But I hate myself for saying that too.
I don't want it easier, I want to be stronger, faster, smarter, better.
And I want the boys to get here so we can get to Foufs and I can get fondled then regarded as casual entertainment, and then I can come home and not get enough sleep to get my work done tommorrow.
I don't want to want. I want to DO, but like Marc says and like I can only agree when that little pain in my lower back starts welling up - sometimes other people get in the way and you should never depend on them.
I don't really believe that in the currently untouchable core of my being, I'm just tired of waiting for the world to unfold itself and make sense to me.