I found the on-ramp to the DVP by MC's last night.
It was a truly proud moment.
So was the outcome of my first try at a spinach-and-shrimp curry.
Somebody remind me to post it to the mailing list today.
We're going climbing tonight, I'm assuming what with it being Thursday, and I'm afraid that my arms won't listen to me again, that the remaining vague soreness on my ludicrous TOE will be a distraction again.
I'm even more afraid that I won't be able to use my toe as an excuse, that it really is my body entire that has become too broken with so many years of abuse, that my thirty extra pounds of weight really are that significant.
Today I am afraid of my own fallibility. I am afraid that my singing lesson this afternoon will prove that I am not meant to learn a coloratura or even carry a tune,
I am afraid that my attempt at sewing a fleece top for the rave will prove that I am not intended for meticulous work
I am afraid that the seventeen CVs that I sent out this morning will again bear no fruit.
I am stating my fears so that I can face them.
I am stating my fears so that I will cease being afraid.
I will finish that fleece shirt and if I messed it up I will learn from my mistakes and try again.
I bought lots of fleece, and I'm sticking with a simply pattern with only small modifications for the first try. The folded scooping neck is a brilliat design idea, I'll try it next time. I'll be fleece girl.
I will go to my singing lesson and try as fucking hard as I can, abs or no abs.
I will go climbing, climb as hard as I can and if I lose my focus to self-loathing, I'll keep climbing anyway. I will stop wanting my body to become instantly perfect and I will focus on improving it as fucking hard as I can.
I will keep sending out CVs, and keep listening for responses and commentary, I will try to learn what I am doing wrong in this new economy and I will do what too many other people are also having a hard time doing.
I will. I will because I am a monstre and not subject to giving up no matter how fucking tired I get of fighting.