Today's different somehow, and I'm not so sure it's good.
My demo didn't work today, after all, but the progress that I made was legendary, and somehow I managed to keep in all the random hallway hugs, all the chatter, all the bolstering-of-kindred-souls conversations up to their usual par.
I managed to speak with David without letting my stress get in the way, and somehow managed to realize that I've been negative about him because of the anxiety I've been paying homage to. I'm not in a clear enough state of mind to decide whether or not I'm truly bored with him... Not this week.
This week I have gone from irritation at the incompetence of THE ROYAL FUCKUP WHO THINKS HE'S SHARING THIS FUCKING PROJECT WITH ME, to plotting various painful deaths with increasingly interesting blunt instruments.
"Why a spoon, cousin?"
Don't make me answer that.
Alright, so I've rediscovered fury and it feels damn fine.
That's not what's got me worried, though. I'm enjoying the humourous reactions of random coworkers-turned-confidantes at my wild ravings of Daniel's latest MIND-BOGGLINGLY-STUPID-THING-THAT-NO-ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DUMB ENOUGH TO EVEN THINK OF DOING!!!! and I know that I'm still far from losing it entirely and lashing out again.
I think.
Peter just reminded me to play Monty Python's "Idiot Song" again.
It's my solace, you see.
Want a copy?
So the stuff that's worrying me.
It's late. Very late. I just had dinner on the office again for the second time this week, I can't count how many times this month I've filled out an expense report for dinner.
But this time I had fun. Not just "wow am I enjoying a dinner break" kinda fun.
Serious FUN.
Sharing a beer among co-workers, wolfing down Shawarma and nutmeg-scented rice, just the four of us dwarfed by the not-even-flickering-cuz-they're-so-new flourescent lights of our gargantuan cafeteria. Just four of us at one already-washed-for-the-night little round Gemplus-blue table surrounded by dozens of others stretching out to the event horizon.
And for some reason it felt like the only activity I could think of looking forward to.
Back in my office now, I've made progress by such leaps and bounds that I'm proud of my ability as a programmer not just a weirdo researcher-into-obscure-things, and it is the greatest thing in the world to me.
I am listening to Monty Python songs, grinding away in four different ssh sessions to four different machines, and running back and forth between them to pull the smartcards in and out of their cute little readers.
My error messages are evolving.
I am sending Private Key Infrastructures all over the place, and I even have a .plan (hehehehe) for an entirely new PKCS11 implementation based on SSLEay to work with ssh.
Right Now I Am A God.
Right Now I Am Earning The Right To Live.
Right Now I Am Creating Beautiful Things.
Right now I am ignoring friends, loved ones, pets, appartment, the world outside, poetry, music (well, all music aside from Monty Python), the existence of love...
Right now I have seven e-mails from Steven that I forwarded to the office from home, because I've been dying to reply to at least one.
Right now I am late for picking up a special present for The Ugly Bastard that I ordered weeks ago.
Right now I am pissing myself laughing at the irony (and goldy and silvery) that what I wanted most from life less than a year ago, to be a god amongst techies, is momentarily aligned with this week's compilation of reality and that all I've wanted from life since the year rolled over into what seemed to me to be sheer happiness... Health and balance, and stability and love and the rediscovery of poetry, and and and all the unbelievable things I've realized about
"maturity isn't all that bad and I don't need to be so extreme anymore"
are flown. Utterly flown.
Right now I am an angry, brilliant teenager with a mission in life.
Which is stupendous.
But right now I am wishing that I had someone to come home to at the end of it, who would yell at me for spending so much time at work.
Then again, John always does that for me.
Must be the melodrama extract they put in the beer.
I'm doing good, really.