If all was as it certainly fucking ought to be, this entry would begin with a "Oh, what a kiss" and continue on into various petty, though remarkably un-petulant, descriptions.
As it stands, however, the Monstre being somewhat un-Monstre-like as of late (but happily on the road to everything getting firmly tamped down again --
must be Steven's return to town from his jaunt around space stations and lovely Americana. For some reason when Steven's in town everything goes right and this is going to turn into a superstition at some point -- like yesterday afternoon's surprise phone call from my insurance company telling me that I owe them considerably less than I thought I did, then the bodyshop called and my car was fixed two days ahead of schedule and wasn't going to cost me nearly as much, etc... I mean it - it's not KARMA, it's STEVEN! *grin* -- speaking of which, Steven, Tia at work who's tired of hearing me rave about you wants to know if you'll e-mail her. She needs a Callahan's Crosstime Saloon badly, and you're so much better at it than me. ;)
point being, things are beginning to make more sense.First order of the day. Could've, would've, should've, when faced with the next iteration of such a beautiful opportunity, I will quite literally jump its bones, rather than spend the night fitfully dreaming alllll too realistic depictions of what could've, would've, should've. (and forget the worry of forgetting what to do. I'm STILL really fucking creative in bed. And on couches. ;)
Ahem.
The story.
Gaming last night, not with the boys, but with people I am slowly beginning to appreciate more and more, now that the glowering differences between us are not so glowering, not so shocking, not quite as different as I'd feared... Maybe my attitude has finally changed enough since those wallflower years, but...
They don't seem to watch TV anywhere as much as I thought they did, it really was an exception that week... And they're considerably easier and more fun to talk to than I'd originally judged so harshly. (You're right. When the fuck did I start being so judgemental?!? Thanks for pointing it out...)
I'm chatting with Riz in the kicthen, encouraging the coffee-making process. (such things should always be encouraged) Paul grabs me by the still somewhat tender arm and drags me to the living room to show me something or other relating to the game.
Halfway down a delightfully long hall, we, of course, end up bickering happily.
By the time we get to the living room, we've tickled, we've scuffled, I've good-naturedly (if such a thing is possible) refused to get riled up and respond with violence (SUCCESS!), and I suddenly find myself hurled expertly through the air, heels over head, and landing on the sofa with aforementioned beautiful man considerably closer than he's ever been.
I stare at him defiantly.
He stares back.
We pause.
I think to myself "what the fuck do I do now?!"** and proceed to continue wrestling, getting myself further and further hopelessly pinned. (but I have to admit I think I did quite well)
At one point, my fairly tender tendons begin screaming, and I point this out, still rather calmly, and Paul decides to massage the knots out of my shoulder. Admittedly, this was quite the bonding moment, and whilst I can now raise my right arm above my head again, but not my left one -- what SHOULD've happenned rather than my gripping his collarbone and arching my back and spasming a lot SHOULD've been...
___
**Sometime later that evening when we were busy racing around the world of darkness doing away with shoddily organized sabbat troops (I mean, if they were SMART, I might think twice before using major manip to turn their cute little chainsaws on them) and my feet were comfortable in his lap, I looked at his face and caught him looking at me, and I looked at the sharp cut of his cheekbone and sat bolt upright.
Riz thought it was the nipples thing again.
Nunh-unh.
From that angle, I saw his face poised defiantly above mine again and said "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I JUST GRAB HIM BY THE BLACK AND SILVER HAIR AND SUCK HIS FACE OFF?!?!"
Whoups. Apparently I have been growing somewhat conservative with all this gallivanting around as a human stuff, eh?
Heh. Maybe it was the continuing wonder as to how his roommate might feel. I'm getting far too attatched to her, even though I doubt there are any, well, doubts as to why I'm suddenly around so much. Although, well, that's a story for another day.
It may have been stress or worry or somesuch, but I'm afraid the answer is significantly more mundane, and terrifying.
I didn't have the burning self-confidence I usually do in that sort of situation.
Come to think of it, I haven't been feeling sexy at all lately.
Y'know, cf, when we used to talk about sex and life and GETTING A MOVE ON, and you finally did, and I finally learned how to step back a little and take it easy and maybe not make sex a priority for a while?
I think I've ended up where you started. I've been at the self-control bit so long I've forgotten how to let go again when it counts.
But the libido's there, now I just hafta act on it, right?
Fine.
Paul turns 28 tonight, and we're celebrating with far too much alcohol at some sleazy pub. I won't be drinking, but that should definitely not stop me from at least making some headway, regardless of the direction.
No more drooling-tremere-caught-in-the-headlights for me, no sir!
Oh, and in other news, I finally got my code working. No really. THREE DAYS OF DEBUGGING MISERY, and IT WORKS!!!!!!!!! Y'know, I think I deserve lunch today. ;)