For a while my thoughts were racing hard enough to drive tears into my eyes.
Nothing to do with leaving. People interacting with my day, realizing that not all people dream.
Not all people dream.
A thousand other difficult epiphanies.
All sorts of little things.
And then it began to pile up. Pressure to go to dinner tonight, pressure to go to breakfast tomorrow before heading to the airport, pressure to this or that
when all I wanted was alone time.
Maybe the reason people have this impression of me being lovable is because I make sure I only see them when I want to.
I'm sure I've voiced this theory before.
Either way, after all the tears and goodbyes these last weeks, alone time has been long in coming.
All of a sudden I was craving it.
So I bade Seb drop me off at home while they head to the dinner I can't say no to, and called Mr. Pyke.
And all of a sudden, the world was okay.
The rollercoaster of this morning's most excellent appartment inspection, and the chat with my landlords, and the intensity of the movies and and and...
Just washed away.
A thousand fears, but until I can affect them, I won't fear them. This is the usual state of affairs, and I'm getting good enough that it only took a few breaths to find it again.
In the meantime, Seb is being FAR too accomodating, re-organizing the people around me (even a hysterical Cristal) as though I were some fragile doll that needs looking after.
And while I'm only too happy to not be human and stronger than life, I am appreciating this momentary help immensely.
Collette showed up out of nowhere, she's staying the night, other plans discombobulated and the wrenching freaked me out a bit, I expected at least to have my morning preparations to myself.
Oh well. Worse has happened.
And that quiet bit of care in a voice across six thousand kilometres, tilted the board just enough to slide these heavy marbles to another floor.
I've hopped on a plane a thousand times now. I've never worried before, if I was doing so momentarily it's because I was looking for drama.
Tomorrow's fine now. The pressure is off. Seb is sitting across from me telling me of his own troubles, how his moment of taking care of me is making him feel better about my leaving and our friendship, about how his girlfriend is depressed because her sister is in a suicidal phase of her life, this crisis and that crisis and quite frankly, he says
they need a monstre.
Fortunately, the giggles are already welling up inside me, the handful of comments that alway get a laugh, this comical gesture, that particular moment of sillinness.
Tomorrow morning I'm taking a shower, putting on travel clothes, carting a few too many suitcases to the airport in the hopes that they take them and that I can afford the surcharge with the money I have on me, and then when I hit Montreal I'll have a thousand other things to organize
but they're just things
and all very doable
and there will be more pressure and more guilt but it will only be because
people care so much.
And it only takes one moment to remember that, and then it's all okay.
All of it.
I'm off to carry the sun into a party that apparently needs it.
Cool. :)