Last night the first spots of my period marked the waking up out of one of my worst PMS funks in a while.
It last almost two days, compared to the usual extended evening of intensive moping, and wandering outside into December air was suddenly a thrilling thing again late in the evening.
Thank you Steven, and so many others for the kind offers for phone calls and cheering -- but there isn't much you can do when my body decides it's going to be depressed and it's going to make me hate myself for the next little while.
Knowing you were there made worlds of difference. I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to make the call.
And in a way, little bits of it are good for me, the gloom of over-introspection useful in pieces to remind me of goals that I haven't sunk my teeth properly into yet.
Mr. Pyke's patience and effervescent grin when faced with a sagging monstre face are equally magical. He is truly someone beyond reckoning. Someone I never expected could exist.
Yes, I've had large reasons to be down lately, the crush of so many years of studying and working past bloodless fingers suddenly sitting idle, waiting whilst gnawing at my own insides, for the economy to accomodate a monstre's dreams to accomplish more than anyone believed a monstre could.
But deep inside I know that this will be over too, eventually, and that the perspective that I learned on a cliffside so many years ago will ring true.
In a handful of years, all of this will be another scar, something to remember that I've survived through.
At some point while working at Gemplus I doubted that I deserved to be there, thinking it had all been to easy.
I'm good at doubting, as good as I am at believing.
At times I have caught myself wishing for more scars, unsatisfied with the soft life that came with the boom after University.
The Erinye always laugh as they bundle up my wishes so precisely and watch me fumble with the string.
A thousand factors in the last few days, chemicals in my blood and the sudden halting of the rush of birthday celebrations, again a thousand emails all too important clamouring for responses
and my heart sends all the love in me out to all the hands that have stroked that spot on my back in the tenderest hugs
and today I will race to complete careful tasks
and tomorrow I will take up the threads again.
One by one, carefully.
Monstrously.