I like to think that sometimes, when all the stars are in the right spots and the wind is leaning just so, that I have a fairly objective vision of myself.
Modesty aside, I know that my face is just to the left of odd, that when I'm smiling with all ten thousand watts it makes you look twice.
Modesty aside, I know all about my curls, to the point where I find myself mutilating them often enough, out of some remnant highschool urge to not play that game.
Modesty aside, I know what my attitude is, I know that when I'm laughing as hard as I can because I just don't care -- I know how bright that is. At least I think I do.
Modesty aside, I know I get hit on, I know that my constant stream of obscenities give an "open" image of the mouth that these carbombs are streaming from.
What I don't understand, though, is why, or how, I get hit on in a gym. A gym filled with an entirely different sort of person, so many of them smiling, yes, so many of them living life as fucking hard as they can -- rock-climbers, outdoorsmen, adrenaline addicts like me.
Except that unlike me, they're all so beautiful. So graceful and used to this athleticism, they've been doing it forever unlike the awkward, lumpy, clumsy monstre who's been working brain over body for too long --
-- and is finally working out of it, but slowly. Painfully slowly.
So, out of all these beauties, that walk because they know how fucking cool they are to have angel's faces and manage to climb impossible things at the same time --
why, please tell me, why do all the cooler ones, the funny ones, the ones with nicknames like "Monk" and... well, I forget the other guy's nickname, why is it that they're asking me if I'm single, available, interested in going out this weekend?
Is it just that, the awkwardness, making me an easy target, someone unlikely to say no?
Is it the ink and the raucous attempts at ballerina humour?
Is it the new face, because they've tried all the other ones, or is it just that I'm the first person to have spoken to them tonight?
I just want to know why, so that I can see myself better.
Looking like the easiest lay because I'm covered in ink and metal is as good a reason as any, and unlike the question of gods and politics -- an attractice reason because the question is so much more one that like to have the answer to.