Right now I miss my princess.
Right now I miss sitting in the park where Tony and I used to walk his dog, only sitting there years later in the middle of a stunning summer night with Clayton and Princess not long after I'd gotten my tongue pierced, and having princess pre-chew the candy that we were munching on and pop it into my mouth.
I miss Clayton's basement and the Cirque and I'm thinking of these places right now because right then I Was Sure Of Things.
All I'm sure of now is that I'm getting soft. I'm not just letting people in, I'm letting them get to me, and that hasn't happened since the first time I had dirt kicked in my face in elementary school.
No wait, it happened when I was trapped in a relationship too.
In any case, it would appear that David's being so good to me is horrendously bad for me, because I'm acting like a girl again.
I'm letting harsh words shock me. I'm letting other people's stupidity hurt me.
It's funny...
... in french class today, the teacher had us fill out a personality test for fun. There were four personality types, the lady, the brute, the bitch, and the extrovert.
The latter three of course being precisely how I think of myself.
So which did I score? 99% classy lady -- "d'une exquise delicatesse". Exquisite delicacy? WHAT?!?! ME?!?!
(maybe I was think of princess at the time and answered the questions de sa part instead, that would explain it)
That was my first sign that somefin' was up, that I was letting parts of me that are supposed to stay tucked away on the inside, out.
The second sign still has me snapping angrily at people as though I were PMSing.
As though I was a chick.
The second sign is Steve's reaction to that thing that I've been considering doing in late August.
Imagine, taking a week off, learning how to ride a bike proper, and riding 400 miles to raise money for a good cause that might actually save a few lives, and maybe even alleviate a few others.
One thing that David has done for me for certain is remind me how much I loved community service before I got all shallow and work-school-work-school-work-schooled myself to death.
I have time now, and he's right, a few hours teaching streetkids that they're smarter than your average bear and might actually be good at reading, math, etc at the local community center is way cooler than making sure I catch all the latest movies and memorizing the wallpaper in all the latest bars.
Not that I do anyway, but it was an important reminder, and right now the concept of dedicating this extra luxury of occasional islands of free time that I've suddenly found myself laden with is the most beautiful thing to me.
So why in hell do I even care, let alone let it hurt so much when a respected coworker (and yes, I meant respected by ME not the general populace) turns to me and says
"I hate it when you people do that, don't you have anything better to do with your life?"
I stammered some sort of response, trying desperately to figure out if maybe he'd meant something different.
Nope.
And into my furious silence as I tore my clothes off and changed into workout gear, Tia tried to explain "it's because he's greek and his parents taught him that other people don't count and you should only help them if you'll get something from it."
Well, Tia, princess, Peter, Stacey, all the other greek people that I've ever called friends...
They're not like that.
And not only that, but the reason I've let myself respect Steve in the first place was because he claimed to live outside the rules, he claimed to make his choices for himself, he claimed to be a free thinker.
Then how could a free thinker be so materialistic?
How is it humanly possible?
David says it's because he's still immature. I like that possibility better than "he's just a bad person, the kind that makes the world a greyer place simply by sucking up ressources", but I'm having a difficult time thinking rationally about it right now.
Right now there are tears tearing up my face and I'm afraid to open my office door for fear that people should see me, and for the life of me I can't figure out WHY THE FUCK I should even care.
But it hurts. It hurts that humans think that way and I can't understand it, and it hurts even more that right now I can't remember
the point of poetry.
Oh I remember why I love it, and I remember why I clung to it as a child with nothing but alternating pangs of loneliness and fury for emotions, but right now
right now
what is the point of poetry
or is it just entertainment.
What is the point of depth, of enlightenment, what is the point of anything but the accumulation of luxury as Steve would put it.
I know what the point is, but I still don't know how to put it into words.
Of course if I did, I'd have answered the most important question.
"What is happiness, why is life, and is happinness the point of life or is it just another way of having the strength to go on?"
What is enlightenment? What is philosphy? Why is philosophy anything more than an empty pursuit for people who want to think more of themselves...
I know those answers, but right now I'm too busy hating all of humanity for being so damned selfish, and hating myself for the exact same reason.
I'd be able to understand if I weren't so busy taking it personally, and if I understood, I could explain it, and then maybe Steve wouldn't be such a waste of natural ressources.
I dunno. I dunno what it is, but all these early-morning soft caresses and "I miss you"s are affecting me adversely.
They're erasing my strength and dissolving my resolve.
Or maybe I'm just looking for something else to blame it on, but right now I'm fucking furious that instead of my monstrous mask I've got tears stinging the backs of my eyeballs, and my jaw is spasming.
I feel pathetic, and pointless, I feel weak and ridiculous, and worst of all, I don't even feel particularly Callahanian.
:/
And I know that I'm taking myself far too seriously, and I know that I can't afford to let go like this because when you're everybody else's rock, you're supposed to stay A Rock.
But right now I just want somebody to remind me that I'm not all that bad, only I don't, because I don't want to need you.
~