Cardiomolomologist lady and I had a talk about stress.
It was late, she was feeling discouraged.
All her patients lately, it's always been stress, always something so ephemeral and untouchable and incontournable.
I told her about the stress seminars they sent us to in Co-op, the visualizations and problem solving skills and breathing excercises and tips and tricks for looking through a window to give your eyes and immediate mind a break.
I told her how much I knew about endorphins, my state of mind, about how I was learning to care with only 80% rather than 110 about matters that I couldn't solve on my own.
I also told her that it wasn't helping anymore, that my job, my way of life is about problem solving, my training and my mind work to disassemble problems into manageable pieces, but that all the training in the world hadn't prepared me for
my inability to say no
carrying two jobs on my shoulders
managing the frightened and herding the lazy
trying to find time to cook and dream and play with flowers whilst living up to corporate expectations
taking pride in the spectacular depth of accomplishments rather than narrowly missed failures
She nodded slowly and reached for the blood pressure cuff.
The world is crazy, she said. A hundred lifetimes in medical school and we've all come to the same conclusion.
In staying in the city I am doing it to myself. In setting goals from others' examples I am doing it to myself.
In not learning to say no, I am accelerating it.
I still have a lot to learn.
But.
Then I told her about the symptoms. 30 days of constant headache. Shortness of breath so thick I've been taking a little sit-down at the top of each flight of stairs. Lacking the strength to lift the laundry bag, or a seven year old girl.
Me, the monstre with children hanging from her shoulders.
30 days on that first attempt pill and I had to get used to my body being my enemy all over again, by the end of them I'd forgotten what it had ever been like before.
Stop them for a week and see if the symptoms disappear or if they belong to something else, she said.
Today I accomplished more than this week entire.
Today I felt so much strength in my arms I wanted to put my fists through brick walls.
Today I had my brain back, and with each crank of the handle I hurled an inspiration at problems that had been daunting me before.
Perhaps I wasn't meant to have low blood pressure. Perhaps Dave is right and the diuretics were draining the nutrients right out of me. Oddly enough, today I wasn't nearly as non-stop ravenous as I've been all month.
I don't care. Right now, after belly dancing class and a long day of racing and rebounding from corners --
I have more energy than the universe.
And I feel so good. Really, really, good.