It's the void that bothers you, isn't it?
That terrible finality, you can't take it back like harsh words or... Spilled milk.
The first time I ever felt the void was looking at my husband one morning, watching the play of lights from the crack in the curtains (how I hated those curtains that his mother insisted we have in our room) over his sweet face. The horror of my dependance on him, and what would happen if ever something happenned to him... (of course, technically he's gone now - and life is still moving at an alarming speed)
Nobody else that ever died on me left me alone. They're still with me and for the first time in a long time I'm crying, thinking of Kim. She's still holding tightly to my back, keeping it straight for me. Her strength will never leave me... But for some reason, I understood that terrible sense of loss - in my husband.
My parents? Nobody likes hearing it, but the thought of them, quietly interred, leaves me with a sense of relief... Imagining them, lying side by side, not screaming for the first time since I can remember.
My sister? That would suck, she hasn't learned to fly yet.
My friends? I'd miss their hugs, but they've lived and are responsible for their lives... Not I. I'd miss them, but that terrible finality...
I'm afraid that I'm not able to be afraid for anyone.
Children crossing streets on their own still worries me, but I still know, and I know that I am a monster for knowing this - but... But. I'm sorry, I can't say it aloud.
I don't believe in ghosts or heavens and hells and souls and the eight million comforts that we calm our fears of finality with.
I am well aware of what "not another sunset" means.
But still, I won't let myself fear it. I am perfectly willing to mourn, to become furious with the loss of someone who didn't take their chances yet - but, it will make no difference in 100 years, will it?
What they've done while they were alive is what's going to stick around.
And maybe that's why I won't walk around cringing at every car that comes too close - because I'm working on the 'making a mark' bit. It's all that counts, and the depth of truth in that is all that matters in my life.
I am well aware that my priorities are shot to unintelligible pieces, and in no way do I mean to say that I will not cry for you, and in no way do I mean to say that I do not love you deeply and dearly and wish all the greatness in the world for you -
But it is pain that I seek to alleviate, not death.
Although maybe I'm wrong, pain is in itself as natural as death. Pain is what teaches us.
"The soul hath no raibow hath the eyes no tears."
Maybe there's nothing to wish for after all. Maybe Speedy Petey is right in that there's no point, no point at all... Maybe Super-Dave is right in that it's only what you've managed to create, that counts.
Maybe my parents are right and it's only about luxury...
A million maybes, but I've got my truths for now.
I'm sorry if I've offended you.