I'm amazed at how easily my moods can be swung like a well-oiled playground. I had a bit of a hard time at the ultrasound on Friday (I'm still coming to terms with some of what happened) and I've been really down since then.
I had a lovely weekend in Montreal, filled with street festival meandering (always so filled with whimsy by definition), laughter, disjointed but joyful discussions. I saw faces fill with joy for us, and others not as full of dismay as I'd expected, I got the best hugs over the best brunch of my life and tried desperately to keep my brain in tune with the vibes going around.
Last night, though, short on sleep and high on deadlines, I started asking myself if I remembered if PMS was this rough. Dave, to his credit, dropped everything and sat with my face in his hands and let me cry it out, and held me until I fell to sleep, but I woke up still afraid of my own swiftly growing shadow.
And then he send me:
and filled me with joy at his display of enthusiasm. Email after email arrived in my inbox, exclaiming about due dates and best babies in the universe (not that there's any competition, but you know) and with each one I leaned back a little further and started to feel last week's glow emanating from my belly.
Now, still filled with a little fear and sadness after what happened on Friday, still without a doctor and still unsure of where to plan my birth or how much danger I'm really in, I suddenly feel considerably more equipped to deal with the universe that I am preparing to let life into.
I want to remember forever, and stamp onto the face of posterity the magic in my husband's hands, the power with which his attention can right so much pain when I can barely see through it at all.
So much love. I find myself continuously exclaiming -- that there is so much love.
Addendum: She did it! Super-midwife did it! We have an appointment with an OB-Gyn on Thursday afternoon at the hospital right by our house, and she says that she's super gentle and has experience with high BP and experience with women with rape issues and and and...
Ohhhh, YAY! Just as my mood starts swinging up, everything turns okay again!