Everything. I've done everything.
I'm six thousand miles away.
I'm all growed up just like they wanted. I'm a corporate whore just like they wanted. I'm overeducated and insecure but afraid to ask for attention when I need it, and I wear high heels and too much make-up and look just like I'm supposed-tah.
No more pink hair, no more anything except one too many earring in my ears, nothing else sticks out over my collar.
So daddy's in a bad mood today.
Daddy feels like telling me that only irresponsible stupid people fuck off for germany while they're out of work.
Daddy decides that I'd better be clear on the fact that consultants are a dime a dozen and I should be in constant fear of my job.
Daddy knows the industry, you see, and he knows I'm shit. Shit and stupid and crazy just like my mother.
Oh, and daddy dearest watched a show about liposuction.
And daddy dearest watched a show about this series of treatments that cost 180k a month, and he thinks that maybe it might help make me beautiful, because otherwise I'll never get anyone to marry me, and I'm starting to get old, says he.
Daddy dearest just wanted to make sure I didn't forget how stupid I am, either. He figures living large in Paree I may be getting ideas in my head, y'know.
WEll I won't forget. I won't forget I'm stupid, k? I won't forget I'm stupid and I hurt people and I cause misunderstandings and fuck knows what else.
Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.
Gods, I'm 6000 miles away, have the warmth in my belly of a day at Mapie's trying out curry dishes that came out spectacularly, discussions on mailing lists that had my heart soaring about magic, there's a cat in my lap thundering his purr into my bones
ANd I'm crying like a fucking girl.
He's right. I'm stupid.
Stupid fucking stupid.
What happens if I never climb out of this hole? WHat happens if the nasal pitch of his voice butchering bad music that he hears off Q92 always breaks me like this?
Fuck. Nothing else makes me break.
Nothing. Not people not things, not fuckups at the bank. Nothing.
I can do anything, learn anything, get over anything, believe in magic, do things a billion people can't do that I should know better, that I should know they don't need to do, get over the million holes he put in my psyche, learn about the philosophy of fucking happiness even though he beat it into my hide that such a thing can never exist for stupid shits like me, unlearn impossible old habits, quit smoking, put muscle into legs that have always been too heavy and too useless.
Anything. I've conquered galaxies, and I'm still fucking worthless, stupid useless daughter that didn't go to medical school or marry a good jewish doctor at the age of 25.
Fuck you. Just. Fuck. You.
All I need to do is get through tonight...
And I've done that a thousand times. Twenty five fucking years worth, in fact.
And a billion people out there can't even fucking read let alone vent in a fucking online fucking diary.
Tomorrow I'll remember about the new friend I made and how I'm sleeping over at her place this weekend.
Tomorrow I'll remember about how I figured out that new trick in nethack, and finally bought diskettes to fix my Debian installation.
TOmorrow. The sun'll fucking come out tomorrow if I have to drag it out by the flaming fucking hair.