...and I turned around and all I saw were a sea of warm arms.
The last time I played dungeons and dragons I discovered a spell called grasping hands - where depending on level and strength and stuff of our hero the wizard, one could coax disembodied arms from the groud to clutch at an opponent and tear at their skin and leave them flailing and helpless on cold cracked groud.
Since then, I've been seeing those arms. Oceans of them. People not embodied as people, but as arms. I can't face people yet so I live in metaphor.
Sometimes the bodyparts are seas of arms and legs adrift in sweat against satin sheets...
Too often, they're those nightmarish grasping arms...
The more people I meet the more excited I get, all these shining faces spewing dreams through their eyes the way a film projector should... But it gets to be too much too quickly. I push a bit hard, I get a bit tired, and...
I have those nightmares.
And just now?
Yet another dream of arms.
Warm arms. "Arms that are braceleted and white and bare, or in the lamplight downed in fine brown hair....arms that lie along a table or wrap about a shawl..."
Strange arms, familiar arms, hairy spindly ones, lovely plump hugging ones, thousands of arms, all warm.
I woke up this morning teeth gritted ready to fight the world after last night. After I'd written last night's entry, I checked my voicemail. Two turned events about nicely. Firstly - a friend, Hawaiian boy from the ski team, called in a panic. Guess what? His dad had hit him and threatened to evict him. Amazing how trying to offer sound, objective advice to someone sure as hell calms your raging nerves and puts your life into perspective.
You're right, Jenn-with-two-n's. It's hard playing rock, or knight-in-shining-armour for your friends, but it sure is worth it.
And the other call? From Softimage. They want to talk to me. I'm psyching myself to call them this afternoon. I'll come up with some excuse to leave work for an interview.
Thoughts racing, I dropped off to sleep wondering when I'd be able to leave here. Let's see, two week's notice, but I'd like to finish this project first, uhmmm...
Right.
I can feel your energy coursing through my own cold arms. Hand to elbow, we're clasped along the wall of the universe, there's nothing insignificant about this row upon row of pulsing dreams. Soon there won't be any wall. Soon.
And you're a part of it. All of you, all your hugs and sarcasm and support, and for not laughing at me when I'm waxing the melodrama. Soon, soon, things will settle down, school will be over, other things will take it's place, but this melodrama is a learning process and I sure as hell am learning.
To live.
Thanks to you.