"I am feelink something I have not felt since....since LAST TIME I AM WANTIK TO SKIN A HUMAN AND USINK HIM FOR SHELTER."User Friendly
Hehehehehehehe.
I am on the verge of explosion today. Yesterday's euphoria at leaving has ebbed somewhat, and the oppresiveness of this place constantly reminds me that I have seven more days to live out here...
I should be working. I should be polishing up some documentation on intrusion procedures to make cf188's life easier. (tho he's still my bitch)
I can't. I've been sitting here, at a loss for anything, tracing the curves of the few characters that I've typed all day with my tired eyes.
I was way too wired last night. What little sleep, was fitful. Doesn't help that cf didn't sleep either... We're all zombies today.
Then I remembered - comics. Userfriendly, RedMeat, PLIF, Too Much Caffeine Man, and on...
Someone else can entertain me today.
As for wanting to skin a human, it's an oddly reminiscent feeling.
Wanting to trip Loren up on one of the hundred illegal things he's done "in the name of the company". Heh.
But there are other skinnings I remember.
Other armours I've worn that never should have to be worn.
One of the discussions I lost mysef in today, triggered that. I compared the kids I saw die in the street, to the holocaust.
I am sick of the fucking holocaust.
Yes, it was a tragedy. Yes, I lost a lot of family there. A LOT.
And because of it? My parents are close-minded bigots, my grandfather disowned me for moving in with a man NOT OF MY OWN KIND, my teachers threw me out of class when I dared mention that what was happenning at the time in Bosnia, or all over the world, was just as bad...
...and that why weren't THEY trying to do anything about it.
Y'know that poem? "When they came for the gypsies, etc..." They've made me read that poem twice a year, every year of my life until I was sixteen.
Yet they've never actually listened to it.
And my complaint last night?
Not a single one of these bleeding heart sufferers of genocide, have a smidgen of empathy for someone to WHOM THEY HAVE DONE THE SAME THING.
And nobody cried for them. And nobody knows they were even alive.
Why? Because they were weak? Because they couldn't pull themselves out of some fucking hole that was their own fault for having fallen into? Because they're druggies?
Want me to bend over so you can rape me again?
I remember why I ran with the skinheads. Because at the time, they were the most open-minded and honest people that I had ever met.
And they were less bigoted than my parents. They at least, loved life, and not money.
And in the name of life, they did unmentionable things, trying to rid themselves of the problem.
We now know, that their method doesn't particularly work.
And out of sheer luck, I crawled my way out of that hole, and out of sheer fortune, I can talk about it now, and out of sheer unfair chances - I'm someone anybody else's parents could be proud of.
But none of it matters. None of it matters until something changes.
Reverend Bob, this is why I pick on you so much. Cobalt, this is why I argue so much.
Life isn't about getting as much as I can for myself, and living as comfortably as I can, and being as nice as I can to my friends. Those are the means, they're not the end...
It's about change. It's about making a difference. I have to, or everything I've done has been a lie.
And I don't know how I'll manage it, but I have a plan... And it will take time, but I can feel it rolling with me, down this razor-edged slope.
The reason there was a holocaust, was selfishness. (and a million other things, but... bear with me.)
The reason I slept where I slept, was because no one would listen. I was insignificant. When I was 14, I wasn't about to make anyone any money, and all I was good for was a warm shag. Nobody cared, and nobody cares now - and
"THAT's NOT THE WAY IT IS, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GOES." (Ani Difranco, Pick my Nose? I don't remember.)
But it's not. I refuse to believe that it is human nature to blindly cause suffering for selfish luxury.
Somewhere along the way, someone talented, many someones, many influential someones... Took us down the wrong way.
And we're going to turn it back, or in a new direction, if it's the last thing I try to start.
Because aside from that, there really isn't much point to my being alive anymore. I've lived, I've loved, I've played a thousand games that a million people will never even learn the rules of...
It's time to grow up and do something with the chances and fortunes and strengths that I have.
Or I'm just another selfish-redneck-nazi-bigot-richie-WASPish-trendoid weakling excuse for a higher organism stealing earth and air from the real heroes.
I'd rather be the kind of vulture with feathers, at least they wait until you're dead before they tear the meat from your bones.
Ahem. Pardon me. I just needed to remind myself of a few things. I'll be fine in a minute.
Regular programming will resume shortly.